Emotions like rapid fire, please, put down your weapon

11.11.07

I wake to the phone, its my mom trying to get through. Finally, we’re talking and she tells me that my step mother has died. I can’t get good reception on the phone and the call drops a few times. I can’t sleep that night, nor for the next few. But this night is the worst. The village is quiet and dark and my host family is asleep and I don’t know who to tell and the phone isn’t working and I feel this overwhelming urge to just drive with the windows down and music playing and just go away to somewhere else. I feel restless but try to sleep, try to read and finally I sit down and begin to write. I begin with a letter to my dad and end with an entry in my journal about my step mom.

My dad certainly lost his best friend, in fact, the best friend I’ve ever known him to have. My dad is pretty unique and not the easiest person to love, though he is very loving as a father. Susan came along and fell very much in love with him. She taught him what home meant. She gave him his very own family, something he’d been missing for a long time, with homemade meals and laughing and staying up playing cards and inside jokes and common interests and hobbies. They were a team. He took her to the same restaurant every Saturday night and then out to coffee or what have you, on their motorcycles. They each made little sense in this world and often found themselves meeting adversity, then they found each other and it all just worked. I feared him losing her, though I imagined it to be at 70 something, not 50, because I didn’t want to witness that loss for him.
The days following, I had no contact with my family and I felt constant angst. Being so far away, not knowing what was happening and if my dad was ok, nearly broke me. I realized that I kept anticipating a phone call with the same news about my father. This feeling loomed over me for two days and I couldn’t concentrate and honestly, I didn’t even realize I was anticipating any of this, it was just within me, stirring up emotion. I finally spoke with my dad, two days later and, though very emotional, he’s going to be ok.
Many people asked if I was going to return home. I felt torn each time I was asked, but inside, it did not feel like the correct action. My dad will be fine and my rushing home will not do anyone any good, including myself. I’ve only recently learned how to allow my family members to walk their own journey without needless worry and interference from me. I don’t think it is by accident that I am so far from him, though it has been hard.
I have been meditating in the early morning hours, sitting in my bed in the dark, before everyone gets up. I have meditated for my father since this happened, imagining him sitting crossed-legged in front of me. In my mind, I place my hand on his heart and tell him all is well and that he is going to be fine. I feel like my intention will reach him somehow.

Life in Forikrom and training did not stop for my loss and grief, instead it seemed to speed up this week due to Counterpart workshop. Each trainees’ counterpart/ supervisor came to Techiman for a two day workshop. Mine is Peter who works for the District Assembly in Jirapa and he’s awesome. I was so nervous and then listening to some of the other supervisors made me a bit uncomfortable. A few seemed over bearing and some unfriendly, but not Peter. He’s so nice and assertive and speaks nice English and doesn’t hover over me, he just let me be and also, he organized everything so well that our travel to Jirapa was smooth and easy and I felt very comfortable. So this leads me to…

Jirapa!!! I’m here and I love it. I Am Home. I really am. This place feels good. The people are friendly, its not too big or too small. There’s a lot of work for me to do, so it won’t be as slow as a village or as fast as America (by a long shot). I arrived on Friday afternoon. The trip was fine though it included an hour long stop to replace a radiator part (of course it did, this is Ghana), where we all waited outside in the sun, milling around greeting the locals in the tiny little town we pulled over in.

We finally made it and I walked into my new home, with its adorable central courtyard and two bedrooms and three fans!! and I felt like I was home. I’m not going to take pictures until I move in December and paint and decorate. I’m sorry for the delay, but for those who know me, you know I’m particular about the details of my space and I want it to be spectacular when you see it. So, until then, I’ll describe the layout: you enter through the kitchen, which is one long counter top and a walk-in storage closet/ pantry. This opens into the living room, a large room with a sofa and two chairs and a little fridge. From the living room, you enter the courtyard, which is totally enclosed and private enough for me to shower out there when it rains… from the courtyard you can enter both bedrooms, the toilet closet (with a toilet!!!!) and the shower (which works as a shower in the mornings when there’s running water.) At night, I take a bucket bath by candle light since there’s no light outside and I love it, its so romantic and sweet and cozy. I have a huge room with a screen door!!! And a full bed with a good mattress. (the mattress I’ve been sleeping on at homestay is so painful I feel like I can only handle a few more weeks before I do some real damage to my poor back) but no worries now, someone before me had a bad back, so they got a good mattress and now I have it!! How do these things happen, I ask? I don’t know, but I’m so grateful.

I will work with the District Assembly, a gov’t agency, the Water/ Sanitation Board, People Living with HIV/ AIDS group, the Gerasie Women’s Bakery, and then teaching health and sanitation in schools. I think this is all right now. It changes and new things come and others end, so it is pretty organic in its growth. I will spend the first three months becoming acquainted with the town and its needs. I’m lucky that I work with the District Assembly because it gives me a place to start each day. I can go there at 9 every morning and find out if anyone needs my help. I like having somewhere to go and begin my workday. I’ve been becoming acquainted with everyone that the volunteer before me has worked with. It’s been overwhelming and part of me became fearful that I won’t be able to do this. But I’m taking deep breathes and putting one foot in front of the other and just suiting up and showing up. It worked for homestay, where I felt scared to go home the first week I lived there. and it worked for training, each time they asked us to do something in the community and I was terrified. (in fact, my homestay family called me today to check on me, how sweet they are!) So, I will have my work cut out for me and I’m excited about it. In order to meet people and feel a part of, I attended church this morning at Assemblies of God Church (where they’ve abbreviated their name to read Ass. Of God, on everything, including their sign, making me smile and giggle early this morning). It’s a Pentecostal church started by some American missionaries but I couldn’t get a straight answer on how long they’ve been here. The only disappointing thing is that the entire message was about money and what you should do with it, which in this case was: Give it all to the church. I looked around at the families with malnourished children, unable to disguise their lightened skin and discolored hair, wondering where their money would come from, wondering if they have any idea whatsoever that they aren’t feeding their children properly. The singing and dancing was nice, had a great feel to it, great energy. Today was also market day, so I went to Market and bought vegetables and groceries and really enjoyed myself. Everyone is really nice here and since I’m the only white person who lives here, I certainly get a lot of attention. Jirapa is used to volunteers, the first US expats began visiting Jirapa in 1929. They were Catholic Missionaries who brought schools here, so, no ones really shocked by my presence, just curious. Also, I live two doors down from my counterpart and in close proximity to several others that I’ll be working with .

Then I returned home, made dinner and now I’m sitting in my wonderful bed, beneath a much loved fan, writing this account. I will be here two more days, then I will return to Forikrom for three weeks of training for my exams, and Swearing-In ceremony and will return to my new home at the turn of December. Life is good. There is much to be grateful for.

11.12.07 all alone

Well, Jenelle has gone and officially turned the site over to me. I’m alone here in the house. This morning, I went to the District Assembly to meet everyone. I rode my bike, greeting everyone as I passed by. Lots of bikes here, no cars really, just big trucks occasionally and motor bikes. Its great, we’re all moving at this retirement home pace rather than faster than the mind can process, which is what it feels like in a car. Even the trucks go slow in Jirapa. I’m so accustomed to moving quickly I ride my bike faster than everyone else. I guess I’m still learning to slow down. I spent the after noon reading and doing laundry, made dinner and listened to some music. I wanted this time to myself so deeply over the past 8 weeks. So now I’ve had it and I’m over it and on to other things.

New info: Internet only works here sometime and now is not one of those times. The last time it worked was April. Supposedly, they are re-wiring the building and are brining back the internet, but this is Ghana and there’s no way of telling when or if that will ever happen

Tomorrow, I’m getting up early and going to the junction (the center of town where the two main roads meet) and make friends with the person who owns the tea stand. What better way to spend the morning than drinking yummy, hot tea with milk and listening to the lastest gossip. Don’t know if I’ll understand much, but I love people and I love to start my day with people AND hot tea! Then I’m headed to the hospital to meet a lady I’m to work with there. Can’t say enough how grateful I am. Don’t get me wrong, quite often since my arrival in Africa, I have these reprieves in the day where I shake my head and remember that I’m here. Sometimes its as though I’ve always known this place and sometimes I long for familiarity with a terrible ache in my chest. So I close with a blessing to all who are reading this tonight. Please remember how amazing your life is and do what makes your soul shine.